Spoiler: My Notes on Divergent

SPOILERS! 

DON'T PROCEED WHEN YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: DIVERGENT BY VERONICA ROTH

(Some parts of the book that stays on my mind and still lingers on.)

p.68

Four: I thought I would only have problems with the Candor asking too many questions.   Now I've got Stiffs, too?

Tris: It must be because you're so approachable. You know. Like a bed of nails.

Four: Careful, Tris.

…

Tris: What?

Cristina: I'm developing a theory.

Tris: And it is?

Cristina: That you have a death wish.

p.72

Are you saying that if you have know this before the Choosing Ceremony, you wouldn't chosen Dauntless? Because if that's the case, you should get out now. If you are really one of us, it won't matter to you that you might fail. And if it does, you are a coward. You chose us. Now we choose you. (Eric to Molly)

p.115

You're not a coward just because you don't want to hurt people. (Tris to Al)

p.129

Tris: I'm surprised you know that, since you left halfway through my one and only fight.

Four: It wasn't something I wanted to watch.

p.143

But I'm not really listening, because the height is dizzying. My hands ache from holding the rungs, and my legs are shaking, but I'm not sure why. It isn’t the heights that scares me—the height makes me feel alive with energy, every organ and vessel and muscle in my body singing at the same pitch. Then I realize what it is. It’s him. Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. Or turn to liquid. Or burst into flames. (Tris)

p.165

Four: Is your—

Tris: You did that on purpose!

Four: Yes, I did. And you should thank me for helping you.

Tris: Thank you? You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?

Four: You know, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!

Tris: Catch on? Catch on to what? That you wanted to prove to Eric how tough you are? That you’re sadistic, just like he is?

Four: I am not sadistic. If I wanted to hurt you, don’t you think I would have already?

p.176

If Eric thinks I did something right, I might have done it wrong. (Tris)

p.188

I stand alone in the blue light coming from the lamp above me, and I understand:

She has been to the compound before. She remembered this hallway. She knows about the initiation process. My mother was Dauntless.

p.190

Tris: Is that why you chose Dauntless? Because of your parents?

Al: No, I guess it was because… I think it’s important to protect people. To stand up for people. Like you did for me. That’s what the Dauntless are supposed to do, right? That’s what courage is. Not… hurting people for no reason.

p.192

Awkwardness aside, it is nice to be liked. (Tris)

p.206

One of the lines I remember from the Dauntless manifesto is, “We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.” (Will)

p.220

I told you. She’s Dauntless through and through. Now get on with it. (Uriah to Zeke)

p.223

“When can I go again?”, I say. My smile stretches wide enough to show teeth, and when they laugh, I laugh. I think of climbing the stairs with the Abnegation, our feet finding the same rhythm, all of us the same. This isn’t like that. We are not the same. But we are, somehow, one. (Tris)

p.224

Pretty sure we can’t call you “Stiff” anymore. Tris. (Shauna)

p.232

“Be brave, Tris”, he whispers.  “The first time is always the hardest.”

His eyes are the last thing I see. (Tris)

p.239

Tris: And are you over that fear now?

Four: Not yet. I may never be.

Tris: So they don’t go away?

Four: Sometimes they do. And sometimes new fears replace them. But becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that’s the point.

p.274

“Wait a second”, Four says. I turn toward him, wondering which version of Four I’ll see now—the one who scolds me, or the one who climbs Ferris wheels with me. He smiles a little, but the smile doesn’t spread to his eyes, which look tense and worried. 

“You belong here, you know that?”, he says. “You belong with us. It’ll be over soon, so just hold on, okay?”

He scratches behind his ear and looks away, like he’s embarrassed by what he said.

I stare at him. I feel my heartbeat everywhere, even in my toes.  I feel like ding something bold, but I could just as easily walk away. I am not sure which option is smarter, or better. I am not sure that I care.

I reach out and take his hand. His fingers slide between mine. I can’t breath.

I stare up at him, and he stares down on me. For a long moment, we stay that way. Then I pull my hand away and run after Uriah and Lynn and Marlene. Maybe now he thinks I’m stupid, or strange. Maybe now it’s worth it. (Tris)

p.286

Four: I don’t want to say this, but I feel like I have to. It is more important for you now to be safe than right, for the time being. Understand? … But please, when you see an opportunity… Ruin them.

Tris: (I laugh shakily) You’re a little scary, Four.

Four: Do me a favor, and don’t call me that.

Tris: What should I call you, then?

Four: Nothing. Yet.

p.288

Whoever he is, I like him. It’s easier for me to admit that to myself now, in the dark, after all that just happened. He is not sweet or gentle or particularly kind. But he is smart and brave, and even though he saved me, he treated me like I was strong. That is all I need to know. (Tris)

p.293

Uriah: We have to do something about this.

Cristina: What, like beat them up? Looks like that’s been taken care of already.

Uriah: No. That’s the pain they can get over. We have to edge them out of the rankings. That will damage their futures. Permanently.

…

Uriah (to Tris): Be careful.

Will: Don’t worry, we’ll protect her.

p.294

I don’t know who I should rely on more, because I’m not sure who my true friends are. Uriah and Marlene, who were on my side even when I seemed strong, or Cristina and Will, who have always protected me when I seemed weak? (Tris)

p.295

He eyes Drew, who trudges at the back of the group, and says, “Pick up the pace, Drew!”

It’s a cruel joke, but it’s hard for me to fight off a smile. That is, until Four’s eyes shift to my arm around Will’s, and all the humor drains from them. His expression send chill through me. Is he… jealous?

p.298

Peter: That doesn’t sound fair. What if one person only has seven fears and someone else has twenty? That’s not their fault.

Four: (Stares at him then laugh) Do you really want to talk to me about what’s fair? (he walks toward Peter, folds his arms, and says in a deadly voice) I understand why you’re worried, Peter. The events of last night certainly proved that you are a miserable coward.

So now we all know, that you are afraid of a short, skinny girl from abnegation (his mouth curls a smile).

p.305

I don’t think of it as stopping. More like I’m… waiting for my opportunity. (Tori to Tris)

p.310

Four: Careful, Tris.

Tris: Is that all you can say? That I should be careful? That’s it?

Four: You’re as bad as the Candor, you know that? I’m not going to say this again, so listen carefully. They are watching you. You, in particular.

Tris: Let go of me… Are they watching you, too?

Four: I keep trying to help you, but you refuse to be helped.

Tris: Oh, right. Your help. Stabbing my ear with a knife and taunting me and yelling at me more than you yell at anyone else, it sure is helpful.

Four: Taunting you? You mean when I threw the knives? I wasn’t taunting you. I was reminding you that if you failed, someone else would have to take your place.

Tris: Why?

Four: Because you’re from Abnegation, and it’s when you’re acting selflessly that you are at your bravest… If I were you, I would do a better job of pretending that selfless impulse is going away, because if the wrong people discover it… well, it won’t be good for you.

…

Four: You think my first instinct is to protect you. Because you’re small, or a girl, or a Stiff. But you’re wrong. My first instinct is to push you until you break, just to see how hard I have to press. But I resist it.

Tris: Why… Why is that your first instinct?

Four: Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up. I’ve seen it. It’s fascinating. Sometimes I just… want to see it again. Want to see you awake.

p.315

Tris: What faction did you come from, Four?

Four: It doesn’t matter. This is where I am now. Something you would do well to remember for yourself.

p.320

Four: Since you’re here, you might as well go in with me.

Tris: Into your fear landscape?

Four: Yes.

Tris: You would let me see that?

Four: Why else do you think I’m going in? There are some things I want to show you.

…

Four: See if you can figure out why they call me Four.

Tris: What’s your real name?

Four: See if you can figure that out too.

p.324

“Ah,” he says, his voice raspy. “This is worse. This is definitely…”

“Shh,” I say. “Arms around me.” Obediently, he slips both arms around my waist. I smile at the wall. I am not enjoying this. I am not, not even a little bit, no.

…

Four: Yeah? That easy, huh?

Tris: You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl.

Four: Not claustrophobic people, Tris!

Tris: Okay, okay. Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?

Four: Yes.

Tris: Feel how steady it is?

Four: It’s fast.

Tris: Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box. (I just admitted to something. Hopefully he won’t recognized that.) Everytime you feel me breath, you breath. Focus on that.

Four: Okay.

…

Tris: Okay. Then I can talk. Ask me something.

Four: Okay. (He laughs shakily in my ear) Why is your heart racing, Tris?

Tris: Well, I… (I search for an excuse that doesn’t involve his arms being around me) I barely know you. (Not good enough) I barely know you and I’m crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?

Four: If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?

Tris: I’m not afraid of you.

Four: Of course you’re not. But that’s not what I meant.

…

He stands in front of me. He’s grinning, and I’m not sure I like the look in his eyes.

Four: Maybe you were cut out of Candor, because you’re a terrible liar.

Tris: I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well.

Four: The aptitude test tells you nothing.

Tris: What are you trying to tell me? Your test isn’t the reason you ended up Dauntless?

Four: Not exactly, no. I…

p.329

“Marcus,” I whisper.

“Here’s the part,” Four says, his voice shaking, “where you figure out my name.”

“Is he…” I look from Marcus, who walks slowly toward us, to Four, who inches slowly back, and everything comes together. Marcus had a son who joined Dauntless. His name was… “Tobias.”

p.330-331

“That’s it?” I say. “Those were your worst fear? Why do you only have four…” My voice trails off. Only four fears.

“Oh.” I look over my shoulder at him. “That’s why they call you—“

p.331

“It’s easy to be brave when they’re not m fears.” (Tris)

p.334

Tris: You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results.

Four: Ah. Does it matter?

Tris: I don’t know.

Four: How demanding you are.

p.336

“I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different. All your life you’ve been training to forget yourself, so when you’re in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily.” (Four)

p.336

Suddenly I feel heavy. A lifetime of training wasn’t enough for me. My first instinct is still self-preservation.

Tris: Yeah, well… I left Abnegation because I wasn’t selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be.

Four: That’s not entirely true. That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me—that selfless girl, that’s not you?

Tris: You’ve been paying much attention, haven’t you?

Four: I like to observe people.

Tris: Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you’re a terrible liar.

Four: Fine. I watched you because I like you. And don’t call me ‘Four’, okay? It’s nice to hear my name again.

Tris: But you’re older than I am… Tobias.

Four: Yes, that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable, isn’t it?

Tris: I’m not trying to be self-deprecating. I just don’t get it. I’m younger. I’m not pretty. I—

Four: (he laughs)

Tris: Don’t pretend. You know I’m not. I’m not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty.

Four: Fine. You’re not pretty. So? (he kisses my cheeks) I like how you look. You’re deadly smart. You’re brave. And even though you found out about Marcus… You aren’t giving me that look. Like I’m a kicked puppy or something.

Tris: Well. You’re not.

p.339

Cristina: What is it with you today?

Tris: Oh, you know. Sun shining. Birds chirping.

Will: Let the girl be in a good mood. You may never see it again.

p.365-367

I stand and cross my arms, waiting for the scolding to start. I slapped him and then got myself into trouble with the Dauntless—there has to be scolding.

Tris: What?

Four: Are you alright?

Tris: Well, first I got reamed out in front of everyone, and then I had to chat with the woman who’s trying to destroy my old faction, and then Eric almost tossed my friends out of Dauntless, so yeah, it’s shaping up to be a pretty great day, Four.

…

Tris: Why do you care, anyway? You can be either cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend.

You can’t play both parts at the same time.

Four: I am not cruel. I was protecting you this morning. How do you think Peter and his idiot friends would have reacted if they discovered that you and I were…  You would never win. They would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill.

Tris: You didn’t have to insult me to prove something to them.

Four: And you didn’t have to run off to your brother just because I hurt you. Besides—it worked, didn’t it?

Tris: At my expense.

Four: I didn’t think it would affect you this way. Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. That you are capable of being hurt.

Tris: You’re brilliant, you know that? You always know exactly what to do.

Four: Only because I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. How I would handle it, if you and I… Did I hear you call me your boyfriend, Tris?

Tris: Not exactly. Why? Do you want me to?

Four: Yes…

p.404

Four: Are you asking me to undress, Tris?

Tris: Only… partially.

p.405

Four: I think  we’ve made a mistake. We’ve all started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own. I domn’t want to do that. I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest. I continually struggle with the kindness.

Tris: No one’s perfect. It doesn’t work that way. One bad thing goes away, and another bad thing replaces it.

p.406

Four: Is this scaring you, Tris?

Tris: No. Not really. I’m only afraid of what I want.

Four: What do you want? Me?

…

Four: Someday, if you still want me, we can… We can…

Tris: Are you afraid of me, too, Tobias?

Four: Terrified.

Tris: Maybe you won’t be in my fear landscape anymore.

Four: Then everyone can call you Six.

Tris: Four and Six.

p.414

Four: You think giving you a hug would give away too much?

Tris: You know, I really don’t care.

I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his. It is the best moment of my life.

p.420

I stand facing the person who helped me. My eyes twitch up, just for a second, to see his face. Tobias, as blank-faced as the rest of them. Was I wrong? Is he not Divergent? Tears spark my eyes, and I blink them back as I turn away from him... And then something peculiar happens: fingers lace with mine, and a palm presses my palm. Tobias, holding my hand. My entire body alive is alive with energy. I squeeze his hands and he squeezes back. He is awake. I was right.

p.441-442

“I know about them because I am one.” (Tris’ mom)

“Every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way. And most people do it. For most, it’s not hard to learn, to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way. But our minds move in a dozen different directions. We can’t be confined to one way of thinking, and that terrifies our leaders. It means we can’t be controlled. And it means that no matter what they do, we will always cause trouble for them.”

p.446

The gun clatters to the ground. I still see Will. He smiles in my memory. A curled lip. Straight teeth. Light in his eyes. Laughing, teasing, more alive in memory than I am in reality. It was or me. I chose me. But I feel dead too. (Tris)

p.457

“I assume you now regret choosing Dauntless,” Marcus says…

I shake my head.

“Not even after your faction’s leaders decided to join in a plot to overthrow the government?” Marcus spits.

“There was some things I needed to learn.”

“How to be brave?” my father says quietly.

“How to be selfless,” I say. “Often they’re the same thing.”

“Is that why you got Abnegation’s symbol tattoed on your shoulder?” Caleb asks. I am almost sure that I see a smile in my father’s eyes.

I smile faintly back and nod. “And Dauntless on the other.”

p.463

Tris: How are you awake?

Peter: The Dauntless leaders… they evaluated my records and removed me from the simulation.

Tris: Because they figured out that you already have murderous tendencies and wouldn’t mind killing a few hundred people while conscious. Makes sense.

Peter: I’m not… murderous!

Tris: I never knew a Candor who is such a liar. Where are the computers that control the simulation, Peter?

Peter: You won’t shoot me.

Tris: People tend to overestimate my character. They think that because I’m small, or a girl, or a Stiff, I can’t possibly be cruel. But they’re wrong.

…

Tris: Now that you realize your mistake, I will give you another chance to tell me what I need to know before I shoot you somewhere worse.

Tris’s Father: Was it really necessary to shoot him?

Marcus: Sometimes pain is for greater good.

Tris: Let’s go. Get up, Peter.

Caleb: You want him to walk? Are you insane?

Tris: Did I shoot him in the leg? No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?

p.486

Four: You nearly died today. I almost shoot you. Why didn’t you shoot me, Tris?

Tris: I couldn’t do that. It would have been like shooting myself.

Four: I have something to tell you. I might be in love with you. I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.

Tris: That’s sensible of you. We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.

Four: Maybe I’m already sure, and I just don’t want to frighten you.

Tris: Then you should know better.

Four: Fine. Then I love you.

I am no longer Tris, the selfless, or Tris, the brave. I suppose that now, I must become more than either. (Tris)